I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
