you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
