yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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