God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
