i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Randomize
