I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
