2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
whose parrot is this?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
