Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize