Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We are all done wearing pants today
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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