I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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