I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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