so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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