Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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