Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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