how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
