you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Randomize
