I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
