sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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