My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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