not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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