i just wanna soil my oats bro
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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