I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
