I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize