I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
