I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Randomize
