man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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