My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
