Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Damn victory sex feels great
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
