I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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