I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
