Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I need to calm my uterus...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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