I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
