i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Princesses don't give blow jobs
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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