Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize