I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
