OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I think a kid would responsible me up
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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