The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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