Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
