nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
