I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Randomize
