I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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