Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
