party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize