Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
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