the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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