Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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