sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
