I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
