I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
