I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
