I skipped work to stalk him.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
