I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
