I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
