Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
