Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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