last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Randomize
