You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
