i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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