dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I want a musical about memes.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize